wayang khing

I'm documenting parts of my life, illustrated by awards that I've won in my 26 years. Could I be less narcissistic and tell the story without flaunting my shimmies? Heck yes but where's the attention-seeking fun in that?

Here's part two of the series.

Last time round, it was about my wayang award back in primary school, which was a pretty long time ago. As with every other skill, they sharpen with practice and time and sometimes it feels like there is an invisible force, edging you on and preparing you for what is to come. Some call it destiny. Others call it fate. You are prepared for "such a time as this".

Indeed, the day came when my ability to attract attention and manipulate people's impression of me, exaggerating my pluses and playing down my minuses was put to the test on wayang's grandest stage.

The subtle skill here is that I didn't make any enemies or cause people to dislike me at all. Everyone liked me - the instructors, the platoon, the section. I was always helpful, I was ever encouraging. I was determined and I was very sincere. Especially so if someone was watching. Even more so if someone thinks I don't know that people are watching.

In the end I attracted the attention that I wanted, but this time, I didn't think far ahead enough.

I never wanted to become an officer. Not even for the attention (of course, when I became one I just shun bian leverage). When I was picked as what we succinctly termed "platoon best", I was called in for an interview with the Officer Commanding for him to pick the "company best". I promptly told him that I didn't actually want to become an officer; I just wanted to be a Physical Training Instructor. 

I guess that blew my chances for company best - apparently my sergeants told me that my BMT scores were off the charts. OC wasn't very pleased and perhaps he had some quota to fulfill in sending recruits to OCS. Anyways, my request to be a PTI was shelved and I was promptly shipped off to OCS.

Throughout my time there, I would speak to my instructors, telling them I didn't want to be an officer. I think they were trying to be encouraging and all, saying stuff like the tough training is getting to me and that every cadet goes through such a phase.

One week before commissioning, I was still pretty sure I didn't want the leadership and responsibilities that came with the rank. By that point, most of my peers were drunk with the prestige and superiority that comes with becoming an officer. I was still unconvinced because that sense of prestige was built on war stories, mental associations and constructs that were not relevant to what we were or would be doing as officers. Certainly, the quality of the people who made it to OCS was poor - I thought my one consolation of going to OCS was that I would be surrounded by awesome people, but was disappointed to find myself among a majority of complainers, weak-minded boys, cheats and myopic visionaries.

I know I sound like your typical disgruntled Singaporean who had to go through NS, but it really wasn't the case. I was genuinely excited about BMT. I remember when it was coming to an end, I wished I could go through it all over again. I still finished top 15% of my OCS cohort, and I did an okay job as one after that without much fuss or cursing the army or the government.

It's just a part of my life where I invested 9 months into becoming something I didn't want to be and I know that part is something many of us can relate to. Being me, I commit to what I get myself involved in, regardless of whether it was by my own free choice. It's a habit.

It came to a point where I decided to stop putting the limited time and effort I have into things I don't care about. I looked at all those parts of my life and where possible, started to remove myself from them. When that happens, you free up space to take in new things that you might actually love to do or wish to become. I've almost finished doing that in my own life, and I'm really much happier now.