One of the perks of working in a Taobao-related company is coming across the occasional nonsense that people put up to sell. There's no end to the rubbish (epic foreshadowing happening) you can find; some are strange to the point it makes you squint until you become more Asian.
Since Taobao polices for scammers, inactive sellers and silly stuff like these pretty vigilantly, they can be removed real quick, so I've created a list to immortalise some of my favourites.
Here they are, in order of disbelief (click the titles for links!):
The two successful transactions were probably made by Satan's left hand and Satan's right right hand respectively. Some of us wouldn't even step on these with our feet, much less kneel. Even the seller didn't have the heart to get a picture of someone kneeling on it. There's a special place reserved in hell for people who even contemplate getting this (either side of Satan).
Girlfriends
Apparently, it's been taken down since I last saw it back in November. Or they got sold out.
They were mostly rental services. Physical dates cost quite a bit, but the common man could rent a girlfriend and have her text him sweet nothings throughout the day. Spiffy.
Decided to give it a try. I was broke from all the shopping I did before though so I budgeted a bit and got the smaller one. I've hid it because it's a bit too sexy:
Pretty good value; the amount of girlfriend isn't much but she's a darling.
After the initial chuckle, this one's actually pretty cool. Genius way to announce a pregnancy on social media, actually. Chope!
Some sellers actually sell the rubbish bags with proper items as a surprise, which is pretty neat, but this particular dude is seriously trying to offload his rubbish on Taobao.
A two-seater plane that actually flies! There is understandably only one in stock, but why buy this when you can buy this instead:
...for a lower price, no less. Missiles, petrol and air clearance permits not included. This baby's no longer on Taobao though. Tough luck.
The seller's pretty serious about this virgin pee thing. The description goes on to describe the mythical and medicinal properties of the virgin pee. There's a definition too; the Chinese term implies that it's not just the urine of someone who has not had sex, but the urine of a child who has not begun to produce sperm. Extra points for the child's first ever puddle of pee. By this logic, firstborns should be held over all the terminally ill till they sprinkle their most potent stream of life juice. Oh and apparently, girls don't qualify to produce said life juice.
Reminds me of the spring chicken incident at the 2008 Beijing Olympics. 童子鸡 is the actual term, which loosely translates to "virgin chicken". Not content with leaving the description so vague, the restaurant took the trouble to rename it "chicken without sexual life".
Dozens of sellers selling bottled fart. But this particular one makes the list for the exorbitant price. Consuming this with the aforementioned bottle of virgin pee must surely cure cancer or cause amputated limbs to regenerate.
Comes in different sizes for individual preferences.
I know she means that she shaped the soap herself, but I'm tickled that the description mentions "DIY". I haven't really grown up.
Intended proof included for good measure. 50 more points for weirdness.
There're actually tons of other stuff that I got tired of adding to the list. Insects, dead and alive are pretty common. Animal testicles or brains in velvet boxes actually don't surprise me as much. Twin headed dildos for use with a friend is too porno and should just stay in that very dark corner of Taobao.
No one's used the comment function in this blog before; go ahead and comment or point out some weird stuff in Taobao you feel the world should know about.
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